Monday, March 8, 2010

He's ready

Tomorrow we leave for Toronto, my son and I along with his best friend. We are going to find the two of them an apartment for their move in May. He hopes to get into film school; she is going for the change of environment.

I have woken today with a heavy heart. My boy is leaving.

I want to cry. I feel the tears well inside me but I fight them down. He can't see them.

I want to tell him he can't go. That Toronto is too far. We won't see each other often enough. Every day isn't often enough for me. But I don't say that.

It's his time. This is the right thing for him.

I can't look at this as him leaving; instead I must see this as a new phase of our lives. But letting go is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.

It's stupid, maudlin, yet I can't stop thinking of the day he was born and the days leading up to his birth.

It had been a terrible period of my life. His father left the house one day for a few hours and never came back. Vanished. He'd run away. I was left penniless and alone with a seven-year-old and this unborn child and what was I going to do? How would I support them? How would I get through this?

As my belly grew, I tried to rouse myself from my depression. The only thing that got me out of bed each morning was having a seven-year-old to take care of. I despaired at having another one.

On the day my baby was due, I ran some errands at the nearest mall. While there, I noticed a young couple with a newborn. A wrinkly, pink, mewling newborn.

It was like the clouds parted. "I'm going to have a baby!" The idea struck me with such joy. I was ready.

Three days later so was he and we never looked back. I have loved every minute with him. Literally. We are so similar. We share the same sense of humour, the same logical approach to tackling problems, The same sensitivity to other people's vibes.

And now, he is a man, though barely, and he is ready again. Ready to see what the world has for him.

This time I am not. It came too fast. I should have been more vigilant. Against what, I don't know. Against him growing up? Yes, it's silliness. I know. I know. But I want a do-over.

Instead, I'll be my most encouraging because that's my job now. That's what he needs from me. And I'll look to the universe to keep him safe, to keep him happy, to bring him back to me once in a while.



  1. Aww, great post, Colleen. Do you know what I would give to change diapers, or play Barbies, just one more time? Mine is fourteen and I dread the day I'm not the one who wakes her up in the morning.

  2. Thanks, Stephen. I know there is something beyond this day is the beginning of a new relationship between him and me. I try to hold on to that.

  3. hes still the little guy in the doggie vest at my wedding, in my mind. HUG

  4. Thanks, Becca. I know it'll be okay. It's just hard now. Liam says: You know where you went wrong Mom? You named me. You always get attached to the ones you name. Man, I'm going to miss his sense of humour.

  5. Just think, maybe he will be bringing home loads of laundry on holidays or weekends like most boys do. Some of my friends went to college 5 hours from home, but still went home a lot on weekends just for that reason, and to steal food from the pantry.

  6. Cheryl: He'll be too far away for that, sadly. Plus he's really good about doing his own laundry. He is trying to convince me to move to Toronto as well which I just may do. On the other hand, I get to see what adult life is like without kids to be responsible for. I've been a mom for 27 years. I wonder what it's like on the other side. :-)