Wednesday, April 21, 2010

LEARN something, damnit!

I am in such a pissy, sorry-for-myself mood today and I hate that. I hate feeling woeful and whiny. If I could remove my own leg, I'd boot meself in the arse.

I'm usually a very optimistic person. At least that is how I see myself. When something goes wrong, I know things will eventually get better. They always do. While I don't subscribe to the theory that "things happen for a reason" I do believe that opportunity abounds in challenge.

It pisses me off that I can't see what the opportunity is. I feel like I'm blindfolded.

If I wasn't so fucking flounder-y, if I hadn't been so fucking flounder-y for months now, I'd be okay. As it is, I still don't know how to dig myself out of this hole I so aptly dug for myself.

It all started when I moved to this province, thinking I'd find home. I didn't. Nova Scotia has never seemed to fit me comfortably. But I did find space to write. Space that I carved for myself with little or no encouragement from my significant other. As long as I had money to cover my kids and myself for the year I was going to take away from work, he was fine with it. Taking time away from a paycheque was a bold step for me as I have long carried the mantle of being a sole-support parent. I felt brave. I felt that I was setting an example for my kids that it's important to follow your dreams. To take a chance on yourself.

After some time off -- which turned out to be needed as I'd reached burn-out -- I returned to work, having found a job that would cover the bills while taking only half of my day. It was to allow me time to write.

Then, over a year ago, I started getting these neck tremors. They seem to have no biological basis and, in the past, I have developed physical manifestations of unhappiness. That said, I thought they'd go away when I figured my life out.

Neither has happened yet, so I can't prove my theory. 

The tremors aren't evident when I am walking or being physically active but when I am still. On the computer (like now), watching television, chatting with others. Sometimes I can control it; sometimes I can't. All that jerking around can make it difficult to read.

I used to get tremors in my right hand making writing impossible so I learned to use my left. After seeing different specialists, it was determined that they were caused by some over-firing in a section of my brain.

Those are now gone and have been replaced by this much more intrusive head bobble.

It makes life a little difficult. Embarrassing even. People either think I'm disagreeing with them or that I have some neurological disorder.

I thought they might vanish after my partner and I ended our relationship because ending it was a good thing to do. Of course, losing half my meager fortune to him was not.

Shortly after the split, I quit a sucky job when they changed the terms of my contract without being willing to negotiate my rate. When I quit, I had no idea that I'd be this long out of work. I've never, ever been unable to find a job. In the past, with only one exception, when I've had an interview for a job, I've landed the job. It's what I do.

Where do I go now? Do now?

I wish I knew.

And I wish I could figure out this big life lesson because I'm sure that is what this is: life screaming at me to LEARN something. But what?




  1. I wish I had the answers. What gets me through is knowing that life is cyclic, and that when I'm down, I'll eventually be up again.

  2. Yup. I believe that too. I really do. Just not today.

  3. Sorry you are feeling down today. Sometimes all we can do is keep on swimming.

  4. Hey Cheryl: Thanks. And you're right. And I am so much better now. I still have so much to figure out though. I just wish whatever is blocking me from that would get the heck out of my way.

  5. I'm sorry about all the BS... But God never gives us more than we can carry.

    No, I can't carry that off with a straight face.

    I sympathize... I haven't been able to get interviewed for any job I've really wanted in so long, and today, I feel like I've been hit by a truck, for no good reason than I'm tired. But I don't have any answers, for you or me.

    But I give good virtual hugs, and I hope better days are just ahead.

  6. your neck supports your head... so, perhaps the tremors are about your support being shaky or weak.... what type of support do you need? how can you create that support system?
    love you!

  7. Richard: Thanks for the hug. I am much better today. Plus, the good news about the job was that they actually loved me, want to stay in touch and hope that I will apply for a more senior position when one becomes available.

  8. Lynn: It's so funny -- when I was typing the word learn, I typed lean and thought, oh, that's trying to tell me something.

  9. the world needs more bobble you